Harnk
01-06-2005, 09:18 AM
by Harnk G Lethargene
Paul sat in the corner disguised as a pencil sharpener thinking this was a sure way to win the attention of Dana, the undertaker's daughter, who had been the object of his obsession for 16 long years, well actually 17 if you count the year his disguised himself as an Oak tree when he discovered that Dana was originally from Oakland.
Paul fell ill in 1987 just after he received a letter from his local Senator who urged him to campaign for the upcoming election. It was at this point that Paul decided that becoming a bottle of champagne was something he was not willing to do at this point of his life, and that he should put all of his energy into developing his reading skills.
In 1993 Paul attempted suicide by swallowing a whole crate of Poison's 'Look What The Cat Dragged In' albums'. He felt this was a sure way to get his foot in the door of Dana's home, where her father practiced undertaking in the cellar. As it turned out Poison records contained very little in the way of harmful poisons, though he did indeed become very ill, and it was at this point that he decided to drape himself in tinfoil for the remainder of the Major League Baseball season, for reasons that are still unknown to all those in Paul's family.
Paul's father died when Paul was 12, from Toxic Shock Syndrome where her necked down 42 pints of orange juice, in attempt to show his loyalty for his favorite football player, O.J Simpson. The death of his father marked a strange shift in behavior for Paul, and it was at this point that he started the one man revolution to help raise awareness for the "underclass of fruit juices". At the age of 13 Paul began dressing up as an orange on a daily basis, traipsing from town to town calling everyone in his path a "beanshifting tit canoe". Later that same year when Wall Street announced the crop reports, stating that Florida yielded the best oranges in history. Paul responded in haste and later that year vowed to only correspond with those who wore velour pants. As luck would have it no one seemed to wearing velour pants, or velour at all for that matter, except for one sheepish girl from Brike County, Dana Wublo.
Paul met Dana at a Pencil Appreciation Conference, where she was trying to bring back the # 3 pencil, which virtually disappeared when the Stanford Achievement Tests, by law, began requiring that all test takers use a # 2 pencil when filling in the multiple choice questions. Paul approached Dana and asked her if he could smell her ear. Dana, being the quiet and reserved type responded by calling him a "typical pen user", and while Paul in actuality always preferred using magic markers, he knew that there was no way that Dana would ever data a man who used a disposable pen as his writing utensil of choice, regardless of his true preference, which he was still unsure if Dana would appreciate at all, seeing as she was so concentrated in the art and revival of the soft lead pencils that fell off the market in the wake of the classic # 2. Paul left the conference and returned home where he racked his brain endlessly over a bowl of maple syrup. In the spinning wreck of the subsequent sugar rush, Paul decided to disguise himself as a pencil sharpener, and that he would return to the conference the next day to make a second pass at Dana.
Paul's plan to disguise himself as a pencil sharpener, while mildly absurd, could have been just the right thing to turn Dana's attention to him, if it wasn't for Paul's surreal vision on what a human pencil sharpener would look like, this plan could have proven wise. Paul arrived 4 hours early at the conference hoping to rehearse his new role, only his disguise was far from apparent, as he stood there with a stainless steel mixing bowl over his head and tree branch implanted in his left ear. When the pencil enthusiasts began filling the auditorium Paul began to act out his pencil sharpener routine, as he cranked his left arm in circles as his right arm pushed the tree branch into his left ear. When Paul's ear began to bleed and niblets of brain matter began dropping from his nose the entire auditorium shrilled in horror and the place cleared out faster than a New York rush hour. Dana took a glance at Paul as she hurried for the exit, seemingly worried she turned pace and began to approach Paul, at which point she handed him a deluxe Wensington # 3 pencil, and just as Paul's pained face turned to smiles she was gone.
Paul awoke the next morning in a hospital bed where he had just undergone major surgery to repair the torn layer of cerebellus lining that was damaged the previous day. Paul patted himself on the shoulder when he recalled that he had snatched the conference roster just before he fainted on the auditorium chair. He pulled the roster from his velour pants and began frantically making his way down the list until he reached the line that read Dana Wublo 169 Neeper Ln, Oakland California. "Oakland", Paul laughed out loud "Of course, Oakland. I'm such a fool." Paul was released later that week, where he was given strict doctors orders to refrain from any mechanical impressions that involved pushing lumber through his orifices. Paul returned home and spent the following month peeling the bark off the 80 ft oak tree that stood behind Saint Gary's Hooptalalian Church, just down the road from his home.
Meanwhile, back out the Wublo residence the undertaking business was dying and Mr. Wublo was being forced to take on a second job to help pay for Dana's mental health bills which at this point had reached an astronomical $127,520. Having very little skill, Mr Wublo turned to his friend Jack Woods, who was the head foreman down at the Lumberjack Union offices. Jack offered Mr. Wublo a fulltime position cutting down trees. Mr. Wublo, reluctant to put behind his life long career as an undertaker, took the position, as the pay was more than double what his was bringing in from the funeral business. Much to his surprise, Mr Wublo took to his new profession with great pride and joy, as he soon became the fastest and most efficient lumberjack that the union had seen in a long time, so much that Mr Wublo would often return from work and practice his swing on the oak trees in his yard. Mr. Wublo was very happy that he was able to pay off the medical bills, which were still piling up, as Dana was being given extensive treatment to help her overcome her disabling fear of wool and corduroy.
After a month of hard work Paul had assembled enough oak bark to cover his entire body, at which point he began gluing the bark piece by piece until he was covered head to toe, resembling a perfectly small oak tree. Convinced he was the ideal mate for a girl from Oakland his excitement grew as he planned his journey over to the Wublo residence to announce his love and devotion to Dana. Paul made a few final touches, as he placed a few fallen leaves from the yard on his head, and then he made his way out the door, smiling, in love.
Heads turned from each passing pedestrian as the walking oak tree wobbled down Neeper Ln, peering left and right until his saw house number 169. Without hesitation Paul smiled and headed up the walkway to the front door. Inside Dana was up in her room pouring milk all over her father's corduroy overalls, as Mr Wublo made his way through the back door, excited from his axe swinging workout. The doorbell rang twice and Mr Wublo walked towards the front door, axe in hand cheerfully calling out "I'm coming I'm coming". Mr. Wublo opened the door and saw the small oak tree. As he stepped outside to inspect the young tree, Paul said "Hello Mr Wublo I'm Paul, at which point the terrified lumberjack leaned back and thrashed forward with a perfect Redwood arch and split Paul's head into two perfect hemispheres. Mr Wublo smiled and said "Damn I'm good".
Paul sat in the corner disguised as a pencil sharpener thinking this was a sure way to win the attention of Dana, the undertaker's daughter, who had been the object of his obsession for 16 long years, well actually 17 if you count the year his disguised himself as an Oak tree when he discovered that Dana was originally from Oakland.
Paul fell ill in 1987 just after he received a letter from his local Senator who urged him to campaign for the upcoming election. It was at this point that Paul decided that becoming a bottle of champagne was something he was not willing to do at this point of his life, and that he should put all of his energy into developing his reading skills.
In 1993 Paul attempted suicide by swallowing a whole crate of Poison's 'Look What The Cat Dragged In' albums'. He felt this was a sure way to get his foot in the door of Dana's home, where her father practiced undertaking in the cellar. As it turned out Poison records contained very little in the way of harmful poisons, though he did indeed become very ill, and it was at this point that he decided to drape himself in tinfoil for the remainder of the Major League Baseball season, for reasons that are still unknown to all those in Paul's family.
Paul's father died when Paul was 12, from Toxic Shock Syndrome where her necked down 42 pints of orange juice, in attempt to show his loyalty for his favorite football player, O.J Simpson. The death of his father marked a strange shift in behavior for Paul, and it was at this point that he started the one man revolution to help raise awareness for the "underclass of fruit juices". At the age of 13 Paul began dressing up as an orange on a daily basis, traipsing from town to town calling everyone in his path a "beanshifting tit canoe". Later that same year when Wall Street announced the crop reports, stating that Florida yielded the best oranges in history. Paul responded in haste and later that year vowed to only correspond with those who wore velour pants. As luck would have it no one seemed to wearing velour pants, or velour at all for that matter, except for one sheepish girl from Brike County, Dana Wublo.
Paul met Dana at a Pencil Appreciation Conference, where she was trying to bring back the # 3 pencil, which virtually disappeared when the Stanford Achievement Tests, by law, began requiring that all test takers use a # 2 pencil when filling in the multiple choice questions. Paul approached Dana and asked her if he could smell her ear. Dana, being the quiet and reserved type responded by calling him a "typical pen user", and while Paul in actuality always preferred using magic markers, he knew that there was no way that Dana would ever data a man who used a disposable pen as his writing utensil of choice, regardless of his true preference, which he was still unsure if Dana would appreciate at all, seeing as she was so concentrated in the art and revival of the soft lead pencils that fell off the market in the wake of the classic # 2. Paul left the conference and returned home where he racked his brain endlessly over a bowl of maple syrup. In the spinning wreck of the subsequent sugar rush, Paul decided to disguise himself as a pencil sharpener, and that he would return to the conference the next day to make a second pass at Dana.
Paul's plan to disguise himself as a pencil sharpener, while mildly absurd, could have been just the right thing to turn Dana's attention to him, if it wasn't for Paul's surreal vision on what a human pencil sharpener would look like, this plan could have proven wise. Paul arrived 4 hours early at the conference hoping to rehearse his new role, only his disguise was far from apparent, as he stood there with a stainless steel mixing bowl over his head and tree branch implanted in his left ear. When the pencil enthusiasts began filling the auditorium Paul began to act out his pencil sharpener routine, as he cranked his left arm in circles as his right arm pushed the tree branch into his left ear. When Paul's ear began to bleed and niblets of brain matter began dropping from his nose the entire auditorium shrilled in horror and the place cleared out faster than a New York rush hour. Dana took a glance at Paul as she hurried for the exit, seemingly worried she turned pace and began to approach Paul, at which point she handed him a deluxe Wensington # 3 pencil, and just as Paul's pained face turned to smiles she was gone.
Paul awoke the next morning in a hospital bed where he had just undergone major surgery to repair the torn layer of cerebellus lining that was damaged the previous day. Paul patted himself on the shoulder when he recalled that he had snatched the conference roster just before he fainted on the auditorium chair. He pulled the roster from his velour pants and began frantically making his way down the list until he reached the line that read Dana Wublo 169 Neeper Ln, Oakland California. "Oakland", Paul laughed out loud "Of course, Oakland. I'm such a fool." Paul was released later that week, where he was given strict doctors orders to refrain from any mechanical impressions that involved pushing lumber through his orifices. Paul returned home and spent the following month peeling the bark off the 80 ft oak tree that stood behind Saint Gary's Hooptalalian Church, just down the road from his home.
Meanwhile, back out the Wublo residence the undertaking business was dying and Mr. Wublo was being forced to take on a second job to help pay for Dana's mental health bills which at this point had reached an astronomical $127,520. Having very little skill, Mr Wublo turned to his friend Jack Woods, who was the head foreman down at the Lumberjack Union offices. Jack offered Mr. Wublo a fulltime position cutting down trees. Mr. Wublo, reluctant to put behind his life long career as an undertaker, took the position, as the pay was more than double what his was bringing in from the funeral business. Much to his surprise, Mr Wublo took to his new profession with great pride and joy, as he soon became the fastest and most efficient lumberjack that the union had seen in a long time, so much that Mr Wublo would often return from work and practice his swing on the oak trees in his yard. Mr. Wublo was very happy that he was able to pay off the medical bills, which were still piling up, as Dana was being given extensive treatment to help her overcome her disabling fear of wool and corduroy.
After a month of hard work Paul had assembled enough oak bark to cover his entire body, at which point he began gluing the bark piece by piece until he was covered head to toe, resembling a perfectly small oak tree. Convinced he was the ideal mate for a girl from Oakland his excitement grew as he planned his journey over to the Wublo residence to announce his love and devotion to Dana. Paul made a few final touches, as he placed a few fallen leaves from the yard on his head, and then he made his way out the door, smiling, in love.
Heads turned from each passing pedestrian as the walking oak tree wobbled down Neeper Ln, peering left and right until his saw house number 169. Without hesitation Paul smiled and headed up the walkway to the front door. Inside Dana was up in her room pouring milk all over her father's corduroy overalls, as Mr Wublo made his way through the back door, excited from his axe swinging workout. The doorbell rang twice and Mr Wublo walked towards the front door, axe in hand cheerfully calling out "I'm coming I'm coming". Mr. Wublo opened the door and saw the small oak tree. As he stepped outside to inspect the young tree, Paul said "Hello Mr Wublo I'm Paul, at which point the terrified lumberjack leaned back and thrashed forward with a perfect Redwood arch and split Paul's head into two perfect hemispheres. Mr Wublo smiled and said "Damn I'm good".