Harnk
07-29-2004, 11:47 AM
The time I spent as a freelance onion peeler was less than tragic but lightly brave in hysterics. I had fun, but I also lost my will to succeed, so I peed on my lawn. Business was business, although none did I have, bar a few quick peels for Lady Mamoo, who failed to pay me claiming that I could have been a little more considerate about my onion squirt precautions. After 7 months of sitting around sharpening my paring knife and perfecting my Dom DeLouise impression I decided to file for bankruptcy.
Six months later I set up my shoe appraising business, thinking that most people would like to know the value of their shoes, for bragging rights. People laughed and I laughed back. I closed shop after 9 days of business. Mark Plunsky stopped by that Wednesday to cheer me up. I did not know Mark Plunsky, and his constant prattle about “government intervention in shoe play� only confused me. Mark offered me a job as his left shoe. Bills were piling up so I decided to take the job. The next morning I walked backwards to Marks house to start my new job. Mark gave me a doughnut then stepped into face with his left foot. We went for a walk into town, me doing my best to be a left shoe, and Mark doing his best to adjust to me dragging under his left foot. This went on for about 11 weeks, and while Mark was more than pleased with me being his left shoe, I was beginning to think that this was a dead end job. I left Mark on a Tuesday morning and never heard from him again.
Days turned to months and months tuned to years, and I, Menk Wilson, former shoe to Mark Plunsky once owner of the Moist Shoe Appraisal Corporation was facing a crossroad, one that would determine where I ended up in this brown world. I opted for a career in nomadic bean travels, while not a job, it would provide me with the challenges and excitement that my previous jobs hadn’t. I strategically mapped out the itinerary for my first tour. The trip would take me from New Jersey (white beans) to Spain (red beans) to Turkey (gasha beans) to Russia (long bean) and back to New Jersey where I would categorize and file my beans for future studies, which is where the money would come in.
I advertised in Fortune 500 and the Better Science Tribune, showcasing my findings and offering a low introductory offer that would allow researchers access to my catalog of beans to perform studies for smarter business decisions. The phone did not ring for a week. I began to think that I’d made another poor career decision. The very next day, while considering lowering my prices, I got a call from Led Zeppelin, who were interested in a reunion tour and were looking for a ‘fine set of beans’ as there opening act. Robert Plant was pathological about his public image and was very unsure of his status in today’s rock and roll business. He did not want to be upstaged by the support slot on his tour, so he thought a bean display, while exciting and different, would guarantee him the spotlight of the event. We worked out a deal that was beneficial to both Led Zeppelin and myself. The tour was announced the following Friday and tickets were selling out all across the country.
The months that leading up to the beginning of the tour was unusual to say the least. I spent quite a bit of time Robert as he prepared for his return to rock and roll. He practiced his scissor kicks and I curled his hair with a gentle brush. I told him stories of my bean travels and he sang Stairway to Heaven in Yiddish to pass the time. We were having a great time. As the opening night began creeping up I began dedicating my time to cleaning up the beans and working on different display techniques. This is when I began to notice a shift in attitude with Robert. I caught him sprinkling dust over the beans just after they were polished. I didn’t say anything at first, as I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt that he wasn’t sabotaging my showcase. The next morning he passed me in the hall and mumbled something about ‘beans will never be bigger than Zeppelin’ or something to that extent. That evening he asked me to think about changing the velvet skirts that were draped over the bean showcase, claiming that he didn’t want any velvet in my display, as he was planning to wear a velvet corduroys. Was Plant in competition with me I thought to myself? Our friendship dissolved in the days that led p to the opening night at Madison Square Garden. An underground buzz was making its way across New York, and bean enthusiasts were scalping tickets for as much as 200 dollars a piece. Plant summed up the buzz as ‘media hype from the Jewish media companies who are still upset about Stairway To Heaven being a song for the Christians�. I knew in my heart that this wasn’t true, as touchy as the Jews can get sometimes when they feel jipped.
Fans made their way through the Garden’s entrance, cheering ‘Zep-e-lin Zep-e-lin ‘, but as the arena began to fill the chants for Zeppelin began to fade as thousands began circling the bean exhibition. A fight broke out at the red bean expo where a Texan began strangling young Mexican boy who was claiming that chili had its origins in Northern Mexico, and that it wasn’t a true Texan meal. The excitement quickly spread as people began to align themselves with the bean of there choice. The well-lit arena drew black as a spokesman from WBAB 102.7 asked the crowd if they were ready for the greatest rock and roll band in the world, which was met with alarming silence. Plant was pacing on the outskirts of the stage, swearing and pulling at his hair. Meanwhile things were heating out down by the Gasha bean exhibit where Middle Easterners where having words with the religious right. A small boy from the back of the crowd called out “Free beans at Penn Station�. A Stampede of 48,000 supposed Zeppelin fans rushed for the exits, and in a matter of minutes the arena was all but empty, bar a few concession stand workers who wouldn’t move if their hair was on fire.
The following morning Robert Plant and Led Zeppelin gave a press speech sighting “technical difficulties with Robert’s hair curling iron not operating safely� as a quiet Plant held back tears behind dark sunglasses. All ticket holders were given the opportunity to get a full refund or to use their ticket to see the Menk Wilson Bean Extravaganza. Of the 489,000 tickets sold only 17 tickets holders opted for a refund. Menk Wilson and his bean show were the hit of the Summer, outselling Celine Dion’s “Canadian Torture Tour� by 157,000 tickets, making it the biggest money earning event of the century. Robert Plant was not available for comment and is said to be procuring a small underground bean farm in Hull.
[Edited on 7-29-2004 by Harnk]
Six months later I set up my shoe appraising business, thinking that most people would like to know the value of their shoes, for bragging rights. People laughed and I laughed back. I closed shop after 9 days of business. Mark Plunsky stopped by that Wednesday to cheer me up. I did not know Mark Plunsky, and his constant prattle about “government intervention in shoe play� only confused me. Mark offered me a job as his left shoe. Bills were piling up so I decided to take the job. The next morning I walked backwards to Marks house to start my new job. Mark gave me a doughnut then stepped into face with his left foot. We went for a walk into town, me doing my best to be a left shoe, and Mark doing his best to adjust to me dragging under his left foot. This went on for about 11 weeks, and while Mark was more than pleased with me being his left shoe, I was beginning to think that this was a dead end job. I left Mark on a Tuesday morning and never heard from him again.
Days turned to months and months tuned to years, and I, Menk Wilson, former shoe to Mark Plunsky once owner of the Moist Shoe Appraisal Corporation was facing a crossroad, one that would determine where I ended up in this brown world. I opted for a career in nomadic bean travels, while not a job, it would provide me with the challenges and excitement that my previous jobs hadn’t. I strategically mapped out the itinerary for my first tour. The trip would take me from New Jersey (white beans) to Spain (red beans) to Turkey (gasha beans) to Russia (long bean) and back to New Jersey where I would categorize and file my beans for future studies, which is where the money would come in.
I advertised in Fortune 500 and the Better Science Tribune, showcasing my findings and offering a low introductory offer that would allow researchers access to my catalog of beans to perform studies for smarter business decisions. The phone did not ring for a week. I began to think that I’d made another poor career decision. The very next day, while considering lowering my prices, I got a call from Led Zeppelin, who were interested in a reunion tour and were looking for a ‘fine set of beans’ as there opening act. Robert Plant was pathological about his public image and was very unsure of his status in today’s rock and roll business. He did not want to be upstaged by the support slot on his tour, so he thought a bean display, while exciting and different, would guarantee him the spotlight of the event. We worked out a deal that was beneficial to both Led Zeppelin and myself. The tour was announced the following Friday and tickets were selling out all across the country.
The months that leading up to the beginning of the tour was unusual to say the least. I spent quite a bit of time Robert as he prepared for his return to rock and roll. He practiced his scissor kicks and I curled his hair with a gentle brush. I told him stories of my bean travels and he sang Stairway to Heaven in Yiddish to pass the time. We were having a great time. As the opening night began creeping up I began dedicating my time to cleaning up the beans and working on different display techniques. This is when I began to notice a shift in attitude with Robert. I caught him sprinkling dust over the beans just after they were polished. I didn’t say anything at first, as I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt that he wasn’t sabotaging my showcase. The next morning he passed me in the hall and mumbled something about ‘beans will never be bigger than Zeppelin’ or something to that extent. That evening he asked me to think about changing the velvet skirts that were draped over the bean showcase, claiming that he didn’t want any velvet in my display, as he was planning to wear a velvet corduroys. Was Plant in competition with me I thought to myself? Our friendship dissolved in the days that led p to the opening night at Madison Square Garden. An underground buzz was making its way across New York, and bean enthusiasts were scalping tickets for as much as 200 dollars a piece. Plant summed up the buzz as ‘media hype from the Jewish media companies who are still upset about Stairway To Heaven being a song for the Christians�. I knew in my heart that this wasn’t true, as touchy as the Jews can get sometimes when they feel jipped.
Fans made their way through the Garden’s entrance, cheering ‘Zep-e-lin Zep-e-lin ‘, but as the arena began to fill the chants for Zeppelin began to fade as thousands began circling the bean exhibition. A fight broke out at the red bean expo where a Texan began strangling young Mexican boy who was claiming that chili had its origins in Northern Mexico, and that it wasn’t a true Texan meal. The excitement quickly spread as people began to align themselves with the bean of there choice. The well-lit arena drew black as a spokesman from WBAB 102.7 asked the crowd if they were ready for the greatest rock and roll band in the world, which was met with alarming silence. Plant was pacing on the outskirts of the stage, swearing and pulling at his hair. Meanwhile things were heating out down by the Gasha bean exhibit where Middle Easterners where having words with the religious right. A small boy from the back of the crowd called out “Free beans at Penn Station�. A Stampede of 48,000 supposed Zeppelin fans rushed for the exits, and in a matter of minutes the arena was all but empty, bar a few concession stand workers who wouldn’t move if their hair was on fire.
The following morning Robert Plant and Led Zeppelin gave a press speech sighting “technical difficulties with Robert’s hair curling iron not operating safely� as a quiet Plant held back tears behind dark sunglasses. All ticket holders were given the opportunity to get a full refund or to use their ticket to see the Menk Wilson Bean Extravaganza. Of the 489,000 tickets sold only 17 tickets holders opted for a refund. Menk Wilson and his bean show were the hit of the Summer, outselling Celine Dion’s “Canadian Torture Tour� by 157,000 tickets, making it the biggest money earning event of the century. Robert Plant was not available for comment and is said to be procuring a small underground bean farm in Hull.
[Edited on 7-29-2004 by Harnk]